I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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