we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
