This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
