dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
