My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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