if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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