I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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