hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
