you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
