it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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