we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just invented taco cereal.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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