My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
