I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
