do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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