im six kinds of drunk right now
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
