I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
