i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
