Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
