Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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