Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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