i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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