It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
