My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
