I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
