if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I cut my penus on the lid.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
