i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
