that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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