the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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