so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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