I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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