EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
