You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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