you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am one with the molecules
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
