watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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