need another drink. this is the easiest way
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
