My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
