it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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