im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
