I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
