last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
