Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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