mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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