I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
