Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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