Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
