he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
