I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You have to summon your inner elephant
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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