the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
