I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
