I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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