I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
