If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
